Bottle Feeding but Exclusively Pumping

Many people have the same reaction when they saw baby Pier, "Wow! So CUTE! How old is he? Look at his chubby face..." and when they heard my answer, they were like, "huh!?! oh wow! he is huge! Do you breastfeed him?" My answer will be, "yes." but in real life... this is not the case... I bottlefeed him, but breastmilk. I am one of those "exclusively pumping" mother.

No doubt, breast milk is the best for baby. Everybody talk about breastfeeding, the benefit of BF, method of BF, bla bla bla.... but what if direct BF doesn't work out?

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Baby Pier was admitted into neonatal intensive care unit (NICU) right after he was born. It was because after the long labor, he was grunting non-stop instead of crying like a normal baby. In fact, during the last hour of labor, his heart rate was unstable. They admitted him into NICU for further test to ensure everything is fine for him. Since I was having Group B streptococcus (GBS) bacteria, he was on IV drip / antibiotics injection for 3 days while waiting for GBS culture result. I didn't have the chances to BF him until two days later. During that time, they were bottle feeding him. I tried to BF him on the 3rd day, but since I did not do any early expression to stimulate the milk production, Pier was fussed when there is nothing came out (totally nothing, not even the colostrum)... At the end, Pier was too hungry and the nurse in NICU came to me, asking my permission to give him formula in order to stop him from crying. Then, the nurse lend me the breast pump to stimulate the production. Pump every 3hours, 10 minutes on each side, but still, nothing came out. On the forth day, we were discharged from the hospital.

I was extremely upset. When I attended the parenting course on the 3rd day in the hospital, I feel so lonely & left out when I saw other mothers who went out in the middle of the class, to nurse their BB, and some of them were actually leaking milk during the course... At home, I cried badly after my mum told me that how much milk she had right after she gave birth to us.... and me? nothing came out. Lewis was the only one to comfort me, giving me support and asking not to give up. A week later, I managed to pump out 0.5Oz of yellowish bubbles (just bubbles)... and my confinement nanny was asking, "how come your 'milk' is only bubbles?" Tears burst out immediately, but I know it is a good progress so far... I continue to pump, even thought it's only bubbles. Day after day, I saw the improvement. Slowly, I managed to get an Oz of yellowish milk (with 3Oz of bubbles on top), I gave it to the confinement nanny and said, "feed him this! then top up the rest with formula..." This is the most important milk, baby 1st milk which contain all the antibodies for him. From then on, my milk production started to increased...

but.... Pier was used to bottle-feed. Every time when I tried to BF him, it end up like world war III. We were both soak in sweat and exhausted. He refused to latch on. He only take in bottle nipple but not mine. After 3 weeks of trying, I feel loss but gave up. With the support from Lewis, I go for exclusive pumping, but somehow, there are something missing in me. Every time when I sign in to the motherhood forum, I will skip those talk about BF. I know the benefit of BM, but I will avoid anything about BF experience. Somehow, it hurts. There are lot of support groups for BF mother, all talking about how their BF experiences, feeling, etc. but I seldom found someone talk about pumping milk other than from those who had to return to work after their confinement. Felt like I am a looser.

Until recently, a reader from the Mother&Baby magazine shared her experience in BF in the Feb '08 issue, after the magazine's Jan'08 special issue on "Breastfeeding Special". Her situation was like mine, and she mentioned that there are support groups for exclusive pumping mum like us (one example she mentioned was www.exclusivelypumping.com). I am glad that I am not alone. At least, I am still giving my BB the best milk and I promised myself, I will give him BM at least for a year, or maybe longer! ^.^